the city is blushed tonight with clouds pink and yellow as tea roses, full of smog and mist that smothers the sidewalks in thickly impenetrable layers. i am crossed as a pretzel on the wicker bench with a brown glass bottle of hard cider clenched lightly in my fingers, and i am already sunk. it's chilly and i am wrapped in plaid cotton, fringed suede, and thin denim. these are the layers of me, swathed in warm breath as i pull my knees against my chest and breath against them. on this porch, i am the king of beasts, growling at passersby and their dragging feet against cement. tonight is colder than i am willing to admit, and i can feel my collarbone, my clavicle, my ribs as i bend in two against my legs. spindly, alien fingers seem distant as i pull the bottle to my lips and take another swallow. it doesn't burn to slide down my throat, only settles heavy in my gut. alice in wonderland misplaced in the rundown historic district of a college city. begging, "eat me, drink me," but i am a different sort of fool. better to be stuck in the puzzle than to discover a displeasing answer.

this is how i've spent my nights, but soon...

laughing, the tug of joy at my vocal chakra. the speaker, the speaker, the woman who loves with her words, presses her mouth to your core and says "i love you" as you die. and that is the ultimate high.

yes yes yes.

i got the job!

and heather said yes!!!

i can't wait for therapy. :/

My eating disorder of choice is looking very, very tempting right now. Actually scratch that, because it's all I want. I'm going to do it, I know I am. I've been teetering on the edge, but this is where I take the plunge. Cue perfection, cue purity, cue solidity. I know how the transition works, I've taken it before. I'm just going to start purging all of the impure foods until I'm golden. Everyone already knows I'm bulimic, that I've been anorexic, so orthorexia will just look like recovery to everyone except my mother. I tried calling my nutritionist again, but she didn't answer, which seems to mean that I'm on my own. I told my substance abuse therapist today that there is really no point in me going if I'm not going to even try to change my behavior. As long as I'm not snorting pills and coke or taking painkillers... I'm fine. I really am. I can handle drinking. Hell, with orthorexia by my side, I'll probably quit drinking, maybe even quit smoking. I won't use sweeteners, I'll go back to my rule about sugars, and I will go back to my meal plan. The work outs will get better. No more of this weakness. No more of this frailty. I know better. Purity calls my name incessantly. I will lose weight. I will stop this bullshit. I will become bone and muscle once more. I will be strong and fierce and brutal.

I'm going to plan this perfectly. Properly. Efficiently.

(why me?)

beautiful world.

such dreams.

i made a mistake. i am an alcoholic and alcohol is my gateway drug. i drank a forty last night, which was fine except for the fact that i was drinking to escape the situation with heather. i wasn't super drunk and i was going to spend the night at a friend's house, but as i was about to fall asleep i saw a bottle of pills. a bottle of dexedrine, and i was foolish enough to take two. i stole two of the pills, snorting half of one and ingesting the rest. i couldn't fall asleep, and so i started to drive home. as i was about to hit the interstate i realized that i had just fucked my ability to test clean on a drug screening, which is necessary for the job i may be getting. i just checked a few web sites and it could test positive up to five days afterward, which probably won't apply in my case because this is the first time i've done a stimulant in ages, but still. that's five days of unrest in case i get called for another interview, and i'm hoping i do. the only thing i can do now is drink lots of water and coffee to keep the cycle going, eat plenty of fiber, and do lots of cardio. i am so disappointed in myself.

but, there's a bright side. when i got back to winston around six, i drove around while listening to music (the indigo girls) and it occurred to me that the aa meeting at unity started soon. i went, and the topic was "doing the next right thing," with a side of discussion of financial troubles. perfect. i listened intently (still a little wired, but also interested) and spoke up very last. i admitted that while i had picked up a white chip last night, i would need to do so again this morning. i told them the truth--the truth that matters and not the easy truth like i'm prone to tell. i told them that i can't afford to run the risk of relapse anymore. i haven't hit bottom lately, but i've hit something and i'm glad i hit it running with enough force to bounce back. i'm relieved almost to know that i'm an alcoholic/addict now. i don't have to worry about all the what if's and other possibilities. i don't have to flip between being ok or not with drinking. i have a problem. drinking is not a viable option for me. i'm bipolar so it fucks with my moods. i'm eating disordered so it fucks with my eating. i'm underage so it's illegal. i'm an addict so it's a stepping stone. it might be ok for my friends, but i have to accept the fact that while we are all god's children, we are not created to be exactly the same. equal, yes, but not identical. i have a problem with drinking and drugs whereas other people might have a problem with... i dunno... other things. it happens.

i took a white chip when the chips were awarded and got three numbers after the meeting, one of which is MY NEW SPONSOR. we talked for thirty minutes. after i told her that i have other issues with "y'know eating and stuff" and asked if i could call her when i'm feeling tempted to act out on those behaviors, she told me she was also anorexic/bulimic and in recovery. she struggled with coke, and even got in a car wreck while on xanax like i did. she actually hit another car, but still. and she's bipolar! i think i might be her first sponsee, but we agreed that it was really uncanny and god's work that we met, etc. she doesn't have an intimidating amount of sobriety, so this is a good fit. she told me to try to eat something, drink some water, and try getting some rest. i'm going to meet her at another aa group tonight after treatment. even though i fucked up, i feel really good about the future, even though i know i have to deal with consequences of my actions. i can just move through them and past them, learn from them but don't repeat them. i can let go without losing control.

there's always a chance to do the next right thing.

I'm not surprised anymore. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm barely an addict. I just have problems. I'm just nineteen and learning my limits. No one should do coke. No one should abuse pills. It happens, but it shouldn't. Big fucking deal.

I slept in today. It was really, really nice. I might get the server position at the retirement home. The interview went well. I wasn't even that nervous. I've been doing fine, fine, fine... so why am I upset? I feel brainwashed, drained of energy, I need to work out again. So what? I'm fine.

I went grocery shopping earlier. It wasn't that bad. I just get nervous about money. I basically bought salad gear, which is cool, but I also bought quinoa and dry beans. I'm going to have a staple diet soon, so boring but whatever. At least I'm cheap, cheap, cheap. I am economically sound, save for cigarettes, coffee, and shopping at thrift stores. I am fine.

It's true. I'm fine. I promise.

meh meh meh.

i have a grocery list but no money.
i have a grocery list but no plans.

FML!

basically, i want debra.

new plan. fall in line, bitch.

what i have to look forward to:

-friends
-family
-pets
-a fresh life in an old city
-returning to school
-turning twenty
-getting my writing published
-finding a career that fits me
-developing
-being stable
-being clean & sober
-finding new ways to have fun
-pride in myself
-a content life
-thrift shopping
-learning how to use my camera
-catnaps with the curtains drawn
-layering for fall and winter
-new tattoos and piercings
-being someone's role model
-setting a good example
-motherhood?
-finding a life partner
-knowing that I am just enough
-feeling worthy of the world
-driving with the windows down
-driving with the bass cranked
-grabbing coffee
-looking cute


I am fierce. I am a complex beast. I'm feral, wonky, silly, beautiful, extreme, contradictory, gentle, surrealist, comical, absurd, intelligent, vulgar, crude, intellectual, eloquent, elegant, edgy, dark, brooding, sarcastic, irritable, bright, cheery, and so much more. God, the list lasts forever, and I will spend my lifetime discovering new sides of myself. Could I ask for anything more interesting? Even if I only make tiny discoveries every day, that is a task I would like to set myself to. I will learn to love what I find in myself each and every day.

I thank God for the person I am today and tomorrow.

After all: create, change, destroy. Perhaps we become existence as we know it when time fades. All we have is slipping away. Cherish the non-belongings. Love what is within and surrounding, because it too will disappear one day. I've lost no less and no more in the end. I've lost myself, and I will find myself someday. It is as it is to be.

EDIT: i want so much out of life, but nothing more than i know it has to offer. here i am, having used up the last of the painkillers given to me in the ER, talking about potential... but no matter how hypocritical this seems, it's true. tomorrow is a new day. i don't know how many times i've told myself that. innumerable times. but, the hope is still there, and i have what i need to move forward. tomorrow morning i will go to AA, or NA, and i will begin again. there are so many beginnings that i've missed out on. why not start saving myself? surrender these pains to God, and allow myself to be filled with blessings, of which i know many. i have hope. beyond that, i have love. to me, the meaning of life is love. love for that which is within and around you... maybe somewhere further and in between. love likes to hide beyond the curtain of stars and in the crawlspace of abandoned houses. this is where i find joy, and in joy there is love as well. i imagine what i cannot see. the constellations and satellites, the edgy world that exists just close enough to raise the hair on my arms. God... you've given me what i need, and it is my choice to use these tools for better instead of worse.

tomorrow will be composed of AA/NA, treatment, healthy meals/snacks, making soup and seitan for group, journaling, and hanging out with Heather. maybe even talking to her about going out sometime for coffee, etc. mostly, tomorrow will be composed of honesty.