I have this yearning to be a many-eyed monster, part of one among few. Again, even when I thought I was over that sort of thing. Life is beautiful, though, so I may as well be in the thick of it.

Someone encourage me please.

Lovability has never been one of my stronger traits, if you could even argue that it is one!

motherfucker.

I can't believe she's gone (not forever) and I feel sick with my own emptiness (I'm actually full of emotions). It's all I can do to eat and keep it down, but I have to do my very best.

NO cutting or purging. I owe it to her and a lot of others.

holy shit the world is going to swallow us alive. whoawhoawhoa.

sidenote, whatthefuckever.

I went to Jan's House today after school. By myself. For two and a half hours. Doing nothing but drinking coffee and writing. Occasionally eating--okay, mostly eating. Sometimes even pondering over various inconsequential lifetime elements. Bahaha, once again, mostly eating. With no one there to hawk-eye me, unlike at school, where I am watched. All. The. Time.

Today I've had a bowl of kashi go lean with sliced strawberries and lactaid (grossy gross), three apples, a grapefruit, a tuna chef salad (pure deliciousness), and a bowl of fruit loops with vitamin d milk. Add in trivial amounts of cream from my coffee and I'd say I did pretty well today. Barely any purging, and even though that sounds sketchy, that means a lot. I only purged a little of the grapefruit, and that was for attention, which I'm going to try and stop doing. Going to try so hard. But I did better than I usually do. I'd say that's approximately... actually... I don't give a shit what that approximately is. I'm going to have peanut butter on a slice of bread before I go to sleep and I'm calling it quits.

I've written and written today. I recited my poetry to the speech and debate class, and I think they liked it. Tomorrow Mrs. Patty said I could recite more for a reserved period of time. I'm going to compile a website of nothing but my writing. Can I make one of those without seeming like an idiot? Maybe I should just complete a file or something. Blahblahblah writing blahblahblah coffee blahblahblah eating disorder blahblahblah school blahblahblah teaching blahblahblah love blahblahblah music blahblahblah friends. Tralalalalala.

I miss Ms. Wright. She was totally my knight in shining armor when I needed one. I want/need to talk to her. I owe her so many thanks, and I feel like she deserves to know that I'm subconsciously paying her back with my every word and movement. Every breath I take is a praise on her behalf. She basically saved my life freshman year, I mean, what would I have done without her? Easy! I would have killed myself. On the brightside, she basically saved my life and I'm here, well and breathing. How many teachers can brag about that? Actually, I'm sure quite a few can. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones, touched by the presence of these savior oddities.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE GREENSBORO. Oh me oh my, I just cannot wait. Asheville sounds like it's going to be so much fun. AND HANNAH WILL BE THERE, TOO. HI HANNAH. LEMME GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO MY PEEP (singular).

I hope every time someone reads my blog, they can hear me narrating. That's how characteristic I want my writing to be. I want it to be like none other. I am Mia McCarthy and I deserve to be treated as nothing more or less.

I'm so excited about college. College college college. I'm going to have so much fun, I can already tell! All of these classes to choose from, and they don't last too long to keep my attention. Miss Victoria Spring (you think I'm shitting you, but I shit you not, that's her lovely lovely lovely name) will be my roomie and I'm just so euphoric about the whole deal. She's one of the huge reasons that I am really choosing recovery, because I can't end up triggering one of my friends. That would be absolutely awful. College just sounds so interesting, and EXCITING. Then why am I not excited about finally graduating? Probably because I'm having to pass this final stretch, which is a Grade A Bitch.

okayokayokay, you guys... I may go back to therapy sooner than I planned. That is, before I'm Skeletor's twin again. Satisfied? Probably not.

But I need to get my shit back under control because this is fucking ridiculous.

On the brightside, fucking my ipod over has led me to rediscover the glory of compact discs.

and mix CDs for sure. and playlists. and frostwire.


and oregon trail?

FUCK!

I just erased all of my music off of my ipod!




D:



WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I just downloaded as much David Bowie as I possibly could. I'm officially addicted, and he's ancient. The Ziggy Stardust album is mind-blowing. What else is there to say?

I'm almost finished moving all of my shit around. Sweet. I just need to unpack my books and shove everything into the attic before I straighten up, etc. Then I will need to do SO MUCH SHIT this week. BLARGH, papers, models, plans, portfolios, etc.

I'm going to cry when I graduate.

today I ate and kept down: 1 packet sugarfree cocoa with 1 scoop unsweetened soy protein powder, 1 red apple, 8 oz. strawberry smoothie with light vanilla soymilk and 1 scoop unsweetened soy protein powder, 6 slices of vegan bologna, 1/2 tbsp red pepper hummus, lettuce, 1/2 whole grain wrap, 3/4 cup kashi go lean 1/2 cup strawberries and 3/4 cup light vanilla soymilk, 1/4 alice chocolate cream pie, 1/2 veggie burger on seeded bread with lettuce and tomato. Then I had a pretty bad b/p session. Fuuuuuuckkkk.

Oh well.
Tomorrow is another day.
Clean water, fresh air, new moon.

I can't believe I'm actually maintaining my writing lately. Everyone will be proud--that's what I keep telling myself, what I have to hear.

Today I poured my lust into a poem and was told it was gross. Dammit. What am I doing wrong? Is my lust just too unfiltered? Am I just too harsh? Am I finally doing something wrong?

Today I kept down 3 lil' soymilk boxes, 4 apples (3 green, 1 red), 2 servings mighty mango naked juice, 1/2 pita, 2 tbsp vegan butter, 1 lil' box of raisins, 1/3 cup oat bran cereal, and 1 1/2 scoops unsweetened soy protein powder (which is disgusting, I should have bought the vanilla or chocolate). I think that is an accomplishment, but it's scary that I'm still so hyperaware of what I'm eating, the amounts and stuff. Tomorrow my mother, my mother's girlfriend, and I will go grocery shopping and I will buy nothing but safe foods. I'm really tossing back and forth the idea of going back to therapy. My mother said that maybe Kelly can motivate me to go back into recovery, or at least away from my EDs. I'm really struggling to decide what path I'm taking. I'm so excited about uni because I can just live off of fruit, vegetables, and soymilk. That's awful, I know. My roommate struggles with purging anorexia and I don't know if it's such a good idea for us to live together. Fuuuuucckkkk. My mother already sent in my housing requests.

I might fail Technical Theatre, which is completely ridiculous. I resisted the urge to cut today after doing those stupid fucking fake wounds in that class. Guitar was a bitch, which makes it the usual as of late. DUDE, Lui, though, mannnn... indescribable. Bahaha, he said he wouldn't lecture me, then proceeded to do just the opposite of what he had said. Awesome, I love it when he's a bitch.

Speaking of guitarists, poor Alex. I just want to cougar dive onto Tally and go for the jugular. Seriously.

My cat (named Honey, a female tabby) was sleeping on my back just moments ago and snoring.

I am tired from all of the b/p sessions yesterday, and I'm going to sleep because my writing is dissolving into short sentences and paragraph breaks. Dammit, once again, just for emphasis.


Where am I headed? Honestly!