I can't believe. It's just so difficult to understand myself.

I'm going to do it. He probably doesn't even know--or want to.

today I bought undies, bras, socks, and a belt. I also bought cigarettes, an iced soy black and tan, a vegan banana muffin, and a slice of cheese pizza. Oh victory, I can wear you around, like an extra pound! Whatever.

My therapist kindly pointed out that maybe Lui would be interested in me after I graduate. Way to get my hopes up, you (loving) cunt! She also pointed out that I am torn between responsibility and my inner wild child! Woo! That may be why I constantly am making terrible decisions, yet making good plans for good decisions.

I am so tired I could scream. Fuck you melatonin! i <3 you.

I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. That will be nice.



Sleep ways down like a fine powder
lead-heavy and crushed dust-thick
coating and laying heavenly in the mouths
of every single worshipper singing the
praises of every deity and demonic
beast that walks the same planet we do.

It has been a long time since I was this happy.

The following has been marked-out as if corrected. No worries. Read on:

These songs I am singing are my life's anthems. We can share them. We are crying these notes, these poems and phrases. Touching the rough stubble of your scalp and knowing that your head is resting against mine. Laughing, carefree as we toss and turn in our unrest. Feeling on top of the world while I leave you in utter bliss, and don't act like I don't know because that smile says that your world was just turned upside down. It was, wasn't it? I think you know more than you would like to right now, and it's scary, isn't it? I never knew that being conventional could be so very charming, oh so very comforting! Let's bask in these short moments of euphoria, shared between the few and fair because the rest just don't know what it is that they are missing. Pity them not, they choose their battles, their priorities. My heart beats softly, the barest tap of rain on the windshield. Let's breathe in this moment deeply, cherish the very air we take in, breathe about. Don't forget that we have to leave soon, please don't leave soon. It will be too late to save if we just give up now. Your eyes consume me, spread from my fingertips to my wrists until my hands are forced to sway from one decision to the next. as if I can be torn apart between the many lips around us, rows and rows of rough teeth surrounding me. Eyelids dusted with opium-love drift closed and flutter fast as hummingbirds. The rain is the pulse in my throat, where I can feel your lips. Rows and rows of roughly chewed mouths.


and now this:

The rain is the fluttering pulse at my throat, where I feel your breaths cave in and out, spacing around the idea that maybe this is as good as it gets. I hear the rustling, the shifting, the lovingly lovely noises of what is apparently under my control. I am out of control.

I want to feel like this forever.

salt has gathered on my lips
flecking dusty off my chin as
I speak through your skin
touching lightly the small of
your back while we keep our
voices the barest of whispers.



today was amazing. I absolutely loved it, even if I'm not spending the night in greensboro.

when I break, will you be the one to slam me back together, or gently piece me into place?

I've decided on the piercings I will get: septum, smiley/scrumper, navel. I may hold off on the tattoo for a little while. I don't know. I just need to be hide everything, which is a bummer, but it's a small price to pay to be a teacher. Oh obsessions, how I love you!

I'm worried about speech and debate. My final exam is a 10 minute poetry recital, which was my choice, which is exciting. Hopefully I pass all of my classes other than tech theater. That would be nice nice nice.

SO TIRED.

My life is an indie love song.

Wisteria and foxgloves sprout directly parallel
in the garden of my mind
you are thin green vines wrapped around
my fingers like rings

where my heart once was grows a seed
small and round like a river stone
and instead of tears I cry petals
of lavender and sky-white diamonds



it's highly possible that this picture of wisteria will be my first tattoo

We've spent a few nights together-but-not, wrapped in two distinct parts of the whole and buzzed past the point of preservation. A couple of times we've wandered away from home to rest beneath the buzzing electricity of second-home comfort. Distinctly, our alternate reality is lulling compared to the universe we supposedly dwell in. The contrast is jarring, setting my teeth on edge and biting the back of my throat more than all of the liquor in the world. More than anything else, I live for these moments we share, and I feel like you know that we have something special going for us. No matter where we are, like two magnets, we get interlocked when we pass close enough by. It's something I can rely one. You're someone I can rely on.

I took your breaths as a sign of hope, took them down to my heart and cherished them like tiny keepsakes in lockets. I placed your optimism like a new realization behind my eyes, of sudden flashes of color as I tripped on the sidewalk, legs crossed while I pretended to play drums like selling my soul for the next blow to my throat. Please kill me now, I hope this next beating eliminates my racing thoughts.

And I said, "Your words stop trains from slamming madly into me, and comets from caving my head in. Your words are mystical and softly-spoken. I am prey to the intention of every thing you say."

And she turned away with a smile.

And she kept walking.