Red Mike,

did I ever really know you? Better or even as well as the rest of us? We who are the early morning miscreants and late night vagabonds, traveling from one state of mind to the next... we will miss you. You, the safe words and kind looks that got me through quite a few nights. That feeling of having someone who has known you longer than you have been alive. When you told me that you saw through me, past the smile that so rarely reaches my eyes, I thought that you would always be there. The rough hug that left me smelling of your cologne even as the night faded to morning and so on. These are the things I will remember you for. The fact that you let me start a tab and knew that I would come back to pay you whatever I owed. Sometimes you said no, to just take it and forget about it. Because you were my friend. You told me you had been thinking about me--missing me. But, I couldn't stay in that purgatory that was all I had ever known as a real home, when it was just that. All I had ever known. I went to you, looking for something that would let me be numb to how fucked-up life could be, but what you gave me was different. Such an unconditional friendship, telling me that if I ever needed anything, just to swing by and you would do anything for me. No questions asked, no explanations needed, no apologies warranted. I don't think I have ever met someone so ruthlessly gracious, unconditionally careful. How often did we say we loved one another? And, somehow, we meant it. You told me that if things had been different, we might have been for each other. But, I was too young and you were too crazy. I like to think that we were both just too fucked-up. I'll admit it, you made mistakes. You weren't the most forthright of people when it came to proper business, but you loved. You loved us, and that was taken away from you. I don't want to think of you as how you were under all of that stress... taking care of so many families, so many children, even if they didn't belong to you by blood. I know you took me under your wing. I spent so many hours behind your counter, smoking your cigarettes and listening to your music. Now, what will happen? I feel awful, but not for myself. You gave me what you needed to. But what about the lives you were forced out of? How will they go on? I have to think that your presence will linger forever onwards. You were too great a person to disappear entirely. Everyone should take notice: bad shit happens to good people. You weren't perfect, I know. I will be one of the first to say that when everyone is throwing a pity party for you. You seriously screwed-up a good number of things for yourself. But, underneath all of that, I know you. You don't want me to dwell, to wallow in this despair. You were good, and I just wish that everyone else can carry on well enough without you. I can barely imagine what it will be like. No more swinging by at odd intervals when I visit, no more catching up on what has happened since I last saw you. No more calling my station wagon a ball-crusher, no more calling me Meow Meow, no more free cigarettes when I really need them, no more telling me to fix myself up so I'll get a nice guy or girl. You will be missed, I'm sure of it, but I know in my heart that you would want us to keep living the good life.

-Your Meow Meow

You're hurting, baby. Everyone can see it, and you wear your heart so proudly on your sleeve. You're feeling broken and alone, but don't worry too much about that, because it's not true. Your friends still love you. They will be there for you as long as you let them, and they can give you what you need right now. What you need to do right now is focus on yourself and be a little selfish. You have every right to feel the way you're feeling at this moment. Used, hurt, betrayed, manipulated... the list seems to go on forever, doesn't it? But it's not those feelings that you should be even giving a second thought to. Yes, tend to them, but let them go. You're worth more than just pain. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else, and if you honestly believe that you don't, you're wrong. You're wrong, sweetheart... you're a beautiful person, all around. Anyways, what can you do about it now? Just take some time to sort yourself out before you go trying to make other people happy. They're right: no one expects you to take care of anyone other than yourself.

He means a lot to you, it's true, but what does that even mean in itself? How did this happen? You were attracted to him the moment you saw him, maybe just because he's beautiful, too. Then came the flirting, the play-fights and innuendo. Those pieces of time where you looked into each others eyes, and you felt as if you were watching glaciers melting beneath the sun's good light. That tender playfulness, even that ruthlessness, has always been so appealing to you. He's your type down to the bone, and it's painfully obvious. Those first talks in his basement, in his living room... lighting the understanding between the two of you further. But, that first time his lips pressed against yours, you fell in headfirst. The embers roared to life, didn't they? That night, you felt the threads slowly slip around the both of you, pulling you in tightly. The physicality brought up so many things, of course, and that certainly complicated the situation. The nights he spent in your bed and you felt completely comfortable, nurtured, and stable. Of course, you hadn't been expecting any of these things to happen, so how could you possibly have known that this week would happen? You couldn't have, it would have been impossible to foresee. What you could have done was listen to your friends, to heed their words of warning and be far more cautious. It's just now that you've really started understanding the stark possibility of his dishonesty. But, the time has come and gone for those precautions. You made yourself vulnerable, and he took advantage of that, whether or not he meant to do so cruelly. You gave him a chance, but now is your time to claim your ground and stand it. He has no right to hurt you any further, and you owe it to yourself not to let him.

Fool me once?
Shame on you.

Fool me twice?
Shame on me.

No, really... Everything will be alright, sweet girl.

Don't mind how complicated things seem. Just take it slow, let it flow, let it go. They may not see what you see in him, but your intuition has never led you that far astray. Has it? Honestly, he can see himself with you. Is their any higher honor than that? To be held in such high esteem as to be a potential partner? He is worth the wait, and if he decides you two can't be together, than that's his decision. You can't force him to feel the way you feel. You're an intense person and you know what you want and you would like to get it as soon as you realize what it is, but that doesn't mean you can't wait for this. If he's being truthful, and your feelings are true, than it will turn out just fine. At the very least, you will share with him something that is very special--those moments, those touches, those feelings, those words. That openness cannot be replaced between the two of you. No one else was there, they don't know how it happened, how it even felt to be there with the both of you. That silence that you share is precious, and it's something that you've rarely found with another person. Only those closest to you have been there with you in that silence. It isn't like you're the only one to have seen a different side of him, but those moments are your own. They belong. You're a wonderful person, and he can see that, but he can only understand as much as you let him. You have to let him in. The risk is worth taking.

Don't get your hopes up, babygirl. This could go any direction possible, so don't start wishing now. Save your optimism for later, when you can't get hurt. It's best to just get it over with, so you don't have to worry. Don't freak out, it's not worth it. No one is worth hurting yourself. You probably won't hurt him, so why hurt yourself? He should be fine, so why can't you be just as well? He will care about you no matter what, and you will care about him just as much from now on and you do presently. You and he will be fine. You're very similar... don't you remember him saying that? Perhaps very different as well, but everything will work out. This doesn't have to be just good or bad--there is plenty of grey in a situation like this. Don't blow it up to be so much bigger than it already is. Honestly, this will not be the end of your world. You're an amazing girl, and everyone can see that. You're fun, beautiful, talented, smart... so many great things! Besides, you love everyone. Even if he doesn't care as much as you do, you're used to that by now. That's what happens, and you can handle it. You're a survivor, a very strong person, and you will be alright.

Everything will be alright.

What is this? I know I have feelings and that he may as well, so why am I making the situation even more difficult by making these unwise decisions? I should know better than to give in to compulsions. Apparently he likes me a lot, and I like him too. I'm afraid that I'm going to scare him away. I feel like my emotions, to quote the Dead Kennedys, make me a monster. After all, it's been no more than five days and I'm already so fucking invested. But in my defense, the attachment began the moment I met him. I knew I was attracted to him immediately, and then we just get along so fucking well. Still, there is no excuse for doing what I did tonight. It is definitely at least half my fault.

Just because I care doesn't mean I need to start writing sappy poetry. I'm going to resist that urge, at least.

I can hardly dare to breathe.

Barack Obama is
our next president,
and (less importantly?)
I've talked to the boys.

Thank all that is Good.

(thank God)

I feel that I am letting myself down. I know what needs to be said, but I don't want to say it. I feel week. I feel like I no longer deserve these feelings, because nothing has been done to warrant them.

So this is it. I need to get my studies together, work up the motivation to achieve what I need to, what I want to. Everything else should be secondary, except for my own health and well-being. I have so much work to do, and it needs to get done as soon as possible. I've never been very good at this final cram, but I can do it. I really can. I have to.

The guys and the drama are completely optional. I know that, and I've got to act like I know that. Stop obsessing, Mia!

I'm quitting smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking, and popping pills. I've already started quitting the pills and weed and alcohol, and smoking will come after the final stretch of exams, etc., when I can manage to go briefly comatose during winter break.

glurrrrrggggh.

SNAP OUT OF IT, MIA.

Life can be pretty intense, I will admit. I can handle this, I swear it.

Are these people love interests? Is that what this is? I don't want to trick myself into thinking I love them, or rather that I am in love with them, because I honestly love just about everyone. At the same time, I can't lie and say that I have no feelings and am nothing but a collection of hormones and physicality. I am somewhat mixed-up is what I guess I'm trying to say. One guy is very interested in me and I've told him that I'm interested in him, but to be truthful, I told him that I'm also interested in another guy. He doesn't seem hurt, but I know the first guy can be quite sensitive. He's just like that and it's part of the reason I love him--he's just so open with me, and we do share a lot of commonalities. We get along really well, but there's something missing as far as chemistry goes. The second guy is probably one of the sexiest people I've ever met, just with his aura, behavior, and looks. His personality is so attractive to me, and we get along pretty well when I'm not intentionally being a bitch. The problem with him is that he is still pretty whipped by his ex and is generally pretty flirty. We've been pretty intimate, which is kind of a problem considering how little I really talk to him, not to even begin to mention the fact that he's basically with my roommate. That could end up being slightly awkward. He just makes me feel so good, like when I'm tucked against his side and I just feel so safe and comfortable. He doesn't seem too disinterested in me either, so there is a slight possibility that things could work out, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel that anxiety like I am just entertainment, pleasure, a toy... but he wouldn't be so openly affectionate if he didn't actually care about me, right? He kisses me in front of my roommate and her other friend, and then sometimes he puts his arm around me we're walking next to each other. I'm just scared that things are moving too fast again. I feel like I never have control of my body when I'm attracted to someone. Actually, that's not true... it's just when they reciprocate. I've been in actual love with people before and I've been fine for the most part. But, when I know they are attracted to me as well and are comfortable being intimate with me, it's difficult. I just don't want to get hurt again, I want something to work out for me as far as intimate relationships go. I know I need a partner, and I think I've reached the point where I'm stable enough. I just need to stop being so fucking impulsive.

GAAAAH.
FUCK MY LIFE... kind of. Sometimes it's pretty nice.