Here's something I wrote in my journal today:

I have these
wounds

I've sewn them up
but I've also
torn them open again

they don't seem to
want to heal

but they need to

and soon
because

I'm losing life
and my heart it
infected

maybe someday
they will finally
close up

I feel that
I can't avoid
the scars

but even scars will
face

it's just the
memories
I will be left
with that

may never fade
at all

and maybe that's
enough


I've been coming to terms with a lot of things lately, and life is going to get better--I know it will. God is there for me. I know that God always will be. I've been saved from so much pain, so much suffering, and it's no gift. I've worked hard for my own salvation, but it's God that's given me the chance to earn it, I know. Maybe this is the time to break my fall and avoid hitting the bottom of the pit I began to fall into many moons ago. I'm no saint, and I never will be. I am kind as much as I care to be, and because I care so much, that's quite a bit. I'm not vain, and I never will be. A little vanity doesn't hurt, but it's just one of those things that I lack. One day I will be confident, and today is a great starting point to work my way up to that. It's a beautiful day, still dark and quiet. Soon the birds will wake.

I've been struggling with my symptoms. It's a problem, which I fully intended to remedy, and immediately. No more will I be a slave to my own destruction. I am a survivor, and I will walk through this just as I have walked through my battles before. This is a time for peaceful resistance, not brute strength. There is a middle ground, and I will find it.

I will never forget any of you. I will wear you on my sleeve, proudly and with dignity serving as my guide. I will express every bit of my joy as if it is the crux of my center itself. Happiness is only a laugh away from me, and I will find it by any means.

It seems I am always on the verge of tears these days. I hope life will always be this meaningful.