how do you manage to make me feel so small after something so insignificant?

i never knew i could be so devoted. i never knew i could have emotions this strong. i never knew i could remain so loyal.

you make me understand myself. i am so ecstatic that i love you.

i'm sprinkling tiny diamonds over your head, like a halo of stardust that surrounds you, an aura of precious glowing. i will never stop putting you on a pedestal. i will never learn how to say no, and it might be my undoing.



"take it all down," she whispered as we stripped the walls bare. undressed, they were tinged with mold and yellowed past cleanliness. i was horrified to realize what had been growing between us.

i spoke roughly, "i still remember how it feels." i think she blushed, there in the hazy and too-bright white light of the antique chandelier. we brushed cheeks as i leaned past to flick off the light switch.

we spoke abruptly of sweet endings.

i feel like i'm suspended in purgatory. it's not killing me, but it's not pleasant. at all. even briefly.

i'm just waiting for resolution like a godsend.

you always get what I want, but you deserve it.

i will still love you forever and more, darling.

I drove down a long stretch of dark, empty highway. My best friend, whom I love with all of my heart and more, once said, "There is nothing better than riding around so late at night that you and your close friends are alone in your own little world--" or something like that. I was alone, by myself, and without anyone other than the music pounding through my skull. I was perfectly content to drive away from all of the confusion and judgement that is entailed by a boring teenage life. Rest this tired body, please.

our hell is a good place.

we have decorated with teeth in jars and bones in bowls, letting diamonds sleep upon the windowsills where they will soak up enough sun to purify our breathing room. perhaps that is what we'll call this--the breathing room. we were so clean for so long and surely we can be that way again. i am taking in what you mean, knowing that this case is what it means to be a good friend. i could stay here with you forever, but i have to leave in the end. enormous raindrops fall upon our faces and into our open mouths because we don't know what its like to stop speaking. i am afraid that if i don't say this now, you will never hear it. in the end, i love you madly in our breathing room.

I am not pregnant! Yay!

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please


...let my period come soon.

I am putting my hope in the hands of the hopeless, the ne'er-do-wells thinking they know better than well. I'm feeling abandoned and lost, torn between bonds of every sort. You're dragging me down, please drag me down quickly before I fly away. These wings I've sprouted from my back move mechanically, clock-work angel tick-tock-ing along as she breathes in straight sulphur. Cyanide bride with pearls for eyes, loving me harshly with her words... I am taken in by no man, no lover on these hot nights where I am sweating bullets of my own accord. Cold nights, too, where I am wracked in shivers and dying of lonely, icy emotions.

My hope is no longer in your hands, but I'm wishing that it was again. These appointments are creeping up on me. Bloody, bloody days and nights. Daybreak and sunset, crawling across my horizon. Everyone forgets me when it comes down to it. The home stretch it telltale, and I've been forgotten. All of my worse nightmares are being realized.

tonight I underwent nearly 2 1/2 hours of excruciating pain, simply for my idealistic sense of beauty. It hurt beyond description, but here we go.

I am vibrating with pure terror
still as ice and melting with the pain of it all
digging claws into my skin
nails drilling away into my veins
time creeps then canters
crawls away as I bite through my lips in
an attempt to stave away the regrets
and questions I still have
was it a good idea
will I forget
why it is I'm doing this
or will it last on forever along with
my body in some shape or another simply
catching stars in palms and letting
the petals fall from the limbs
where they no longer belong

I can't believe. It's just so difficult to understand myself.

I'm going to do it. He probably doesn't even know--or want to.