I'm never going to escape. I am too fucked-up. No amount of medication and therapy will fix me or even mend me to the point of functionality. I am impractical. I am not meant to thrive. I am not meant to live this life.

I am too much of this and not enough of that. I need to be stronger but all I am is a beast. I'm inhuman. I'm a monster but with no secrets to share.

I am too much gut and not enough brawn.

In the mirror, I am sagging with this disgusting weight. I am weak and oozing with this fetid filling, this overstuffed rot.

All I want is to be solid. Unyielding, unwavering, devout.

Everyone says I could model.
It's not that I don't want to.
I'd just rather be the kind of model that walks around in a sports bra and gets paid to flex.

Nobody gets it.
I want to be a bodybuilder.