I am so sick of this--
strike that, I am so sick. Period.

Tonight is being used to shift the direction of change.

I have been stuck in a really, really bad binge/purge cycle... again. I don't think anyone really understands what bulimia is like for me. It's devastating. I don't know if I want to be able to explain it. I am ashamed of so much in my life, but this is close to the worst of it. For around a week past, I have basically been locked in my apartment. There have been few breaks. If I had lost any weight in the weeks before, I am sure I have gained it back and then some. It scares me how completely I lose control. My apartment is absolutely disgusting. There are ants in my bed. I have slept on the floor for the past few nights just because my bed is filled with trash, etc. It seems too overwhelming to clean. I haven't let anyone into my apartment in awhile now. I exist on shame. I wallow in my own filth. I would make a great beast.

But!!! I went to therapy today. It wasn't a particularly spectacular session, but Ginny said she isn't going to stop seeing me. She isn't going to abandon me. She doesn't think I'm hopeless.

So, tonight, I've taken my pills, but with the intent of breaking the cycle and getting started on some cleaning.

I'm going to direct the changes this time.

I can do this.



AT LEAST TWO HOURS LATER:
Okay, so I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, and taking 2 1/2 Provigil was not the brightest idea when I have absolutely no one to talk with at this time. I drove around quite aimlessly for over an hour. At least I'm not binging?

I said something to Ginny about how when I take pills it's better than coke, and she definitely called me on bullshit. I'll take any drug I can get as long as the result is the same.

I need something to look forward to in my life. Not just... mediocre bullshit. So, here's the plan:

...PATHETIC. I just tried to write some goals and the only things that really looked appealing were getting a puppy or kitten and going back to school. I don't even know what I want to do after school. The great mystery of what the fuck I'm going to do with my life still remains unsolved.

I can't decide if I should try cleaning, go to sleep, try cleaning and then go to sleep, or take more pills and try cleaning then go to sleep eventually.

I really am pathetic.