okay, so even though I fucking hate being stuck in Winston, it's not like I was even hanging out with my friends that much before I came back... it's not like anyone really noticed my sudden shift of geographical location.

I went to the club with Heather the other night. She got us free tickets to a strip club, a fact I find quite hilarious. I've never actually been to a strip club. I'm expecting a drunken night of grit and grime to ensue, honestly.

There are a few bright sides. I'm getting back into weight training. I really could give less of shit about cardio right now. I want to quit smoking before I start sprinting again, just because I hate that winded, "coughing up shit from the last five years" feeling. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will never be pretty-tiny. When I was at my lowest weight, I looked weird--just straight-up freakish. I would much rather be solid and strong anyways. That's what really makes me jealous... Like my aunt that can bike 300 miles a week and looks like she's only in her mid-thirties max. I just want to be... toned? Defined? I don't know if that's a healthy mindset or not. Part of me really doesn't give a shit as long as I'm not binging/purging, etc.

I go to therapy soon. I'm seeing Ginny twice a week for two half-sessions instead of once a week. She wants to check in on me more often to make sure I'm safe, etc. I'm supposed to start going to NA soon or something. I'm not actively seeking stimulants or anything else anymore. That coke ordeal was pretty intense and I really would rather not have to get involved with that. The only thing I'm taking right now is my meds and my vitamins. I kind of hate the fact that I've started taking "diet pills." It seems like such an easy way out, especially after doing things the hard way the first time around. I really, really don't want to admit that I'm in over my head with this. It's really like I just can't quit swapping one addiction for the next. I honestly think that my problem with substance abuse is more about availability. Like, I will not turn down most drugs if they're offered to me... and that's bad, I know. I still feel a little amazed that I snorted coke. Seriously. I kind of never thought I would snort anything, but apparently I ignore that rule for the rush of stimulants.

GAHHHH. all i want is to live in a gym. or have a gym in this house where i live.

time for therapy.