I smoked my last cigarette yesterday. It's worth it if I can help Alex even a little, because I know she can do it if she wants to.

I've been pulling the scabs off of my forearm today, and it feels good even though it stings. I know I should just leave the scabs alone, but they're so dry and obnoxious. Plus, the new skin looks so babyish. I'm still amazed by how deep some of them are. I really went to town, no lie no lie. I was never that bad before, but that's how dedicated I feel to getting attention from my chosen people. Alex confronted me the night before about throwing up at school that day, and I think it made me realize just how much my negative habits affect the lives of others. I never want to hurt Alex, and if that means that what I need to do is get a better grasp on controlling myself, then I can do that. I don't want to hurt anyone. My baby-girls and -boys need me and I need them more than attention from all of the unobtainable bastards I'm attracted to. These affinities are nothing in comparison to the love I have for my friends. I am a brute force, and if I have to use that for the happiness of myself and others, than so be it.

Writing on the wall
says you will never know
just how much it took
to say goodbye to possibility
and greetings to our reality

I'm listening to Babylon Circus and Gogol Bordello, which you should join me in doing. They're the soundtrack of some piece of my mind. The Wanderer, as many of my ladyloves might put it.

I'm going to work my ass of for the benefit of my grades and my health. Yesterday, the last cigarette. Today, dietary adjustments. I asked my aunt not to buy me anymore dairy products, certainly no more meat. I'll get ridiculous amounts of protein as usual, but I'll also have to make sure that I get enough calcium and iron. This is the thrill I both love and hate, that feeling of control. I know I'm not eating meat either for or against animals, but because I don't believe I should. I don't think it's good for me. I'm still just so confused as to what I should or shouldn't do. Maybe I should stop my caffeine intake as well... I don't know, don'tdon'tdon't. It's killing me.

This would be a great time for someone to swoop in and rescue me.

Yesterday I: didn't shower.