I'm just sitting in 1st block, writing in this blog. I fucking love how easy it is to get away with things in this class. It's amazing as well as slightly disheartening.

Hahaha, Dr. Harris gave me "FREEDOM GUM," with which I will endure the pain of non-smoking. He also said "foist," which is amazing.

I keep getting such positive attention, I feel like I really can do this. Write/teach, teach/write. I had a very nice chat with Mrs. Holmes today, during which we discussed whether or not my negative behaviors are worth it, and we both agreed that it's not. I have too much to live for to throw my life away and risk the decay of indulgence. It's my decision, I can be whatever I want to be and do whatever I want to do, but do I need to? No, absolutely not. I want to be happy, not so hollow and empty. Being numb is comfortable, but not worth it. I want to be able to nurture myself and others, not suck the life out of everyone including myself. I even told Mrs. Holmes about the crush I have on her, which is craziness, but realistic and expected considering my pattern of seeking out nurturing figures in my life who will support me and pay attention to me when I feel too vulnerable to sit with myself. I really need to begin to sort through my emotions. I'm afraid of facing reality, of locking myself in with commitment. I'm just like every other teenager with my fears, but I'm like a select few with the vast assortment of avoidance that I employ. I wonder if I should just start confessing to all of my issues with the people that I seek out. I feel like such a predator in the way that I search for people who will satisfy my needs. It almost sounds dirty, doesn't it? Reasonable, but dirty. I am not a monster, but I am a beast.

I'm going to stop smoking, or at least really cut back. I feel like I owe it to Alex and Dr. Harris since I promised them, which I shouldn't have done unless I was prepared to quit, and I feel like I am. Hopefully I won't gain weight, which would blow. I don't need to lose that much more weight, though. I'm absolutely, positively not fat. I'm not even chubby. I'm just not skinny. I don't know what I am, probably just slim and curvy. I want to gain more muscle back, I miss being such a solid beast. I don't want to go back to being muscle and bone, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with more muscle mass. I'm just not satisfied with being feminine, which is ridiculous and something I need to work on. I want to be strongstrongstrong, fierce and capable. I don't need to run again, because I just abuse that, but I can go back to at least thirty minutes on the elliptical and at least thirty minutes of weight training. I don't know what I'm planning on or working towards, but I think it might be just me seeking satisfaction in myself. I really can't believe I still fit into Kelsey's holey pants. That's either a good or a bad thing, and I can't really decide. Maybe I can be thin and still be healthy. Kelly said that with my body type I might be able to pull it off. Arghhh, I don't know what I want, but I know what I should want. SHOULD is such a disgusting word.

I've actually been writing at every opportunity today. I spent like thirty minutes writing in my journal in the media center while I was avoiding class, then talked to Dr. Harris for like five or ten minutes, then came to class and started writing this. How amazing of me. I just feel so inspired! It's awesome.

I am a shallow thrill crawling up your spine
the white hot pain ripping through your throat
the amazement flowing through your veins
and excitement pooled in the small of yor back



why do I feel this way?