I wrote this in that last 15 minutes of speech and debate:

I am choking on this fresh air
freely flowing into my lungs
out again into the wasteland
I miss the cozy chains of solitude
when I was contented to waste away

now I am failing in my happiness
hideously well and able-bodied
full of fullness and never empty

spun sugar clouds and moth-dust
shoved down my convulsing throat
while I drown in my own freedom

Mrs. Patty told me that I have no right to whine because I have the easiest schedule ever. I was whining about something completely different, but she's right, I have absolutely no right to whine. I am just a greedy lazy disgusting ugly gluttonous selfish ungrateful bratty little bitch. I am none of those horrible things that I just wrote. Even if I were, I'm not like that all the time. I'm a genuinely good person and I have the conscience of a five-yearold, which is kind of funny and kind of tragic. I don't know what to do with myself, honestly.

I need to stop seeking attention by negative means and start letting people show me genuine affection. This cutting and throwing up has gotten out of control. Getting attention positively doesn't quite feel the same, but I need to have a talk with a few people to clear up what I do and don't need. For example, I do need attention but I do not need to be babied. I can smell faking from over a polluted ocean. Still, it's going to be hard coming clean, but I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm freaking out, but I can do it. I should really take Kelly's advice more often. I mean, my mother pays her to give me advice and generally help me out, but I barely try to overcome the challenges she lays to face me. What's the point of a therapist if you don't listen to them in return? I might as well talk to a brick wall--which would be hilarious and I would pay to see myself have brickwalltherapy sessions every week. Speaking of therapy, tomorrow! AND, I'm going to drink before 3rd block again, because I'm a fucking idiot. Woooo being a moron for attention-getting purposes. For real. Goodness, I am far too honest in this blog.

Alex and I went to visit Kelsey again today and just sat on her back porch and smoked until I had to eat my apple. I miss my bbygrl a lot. I miss "-zorzz" and I miss Harry Potter movie marathons. I miss wandering downtown and daydreaming about vagabonding. I miss playing madcrazy videogames together and me getting drunk, etc. I miss a lot of things that we don't do anymore, but we need to. BabyGirl, if you're reading this, get over SUPERMONO so we can talk about how crazy amazing life can be and hang out at Jan's House. If I even thought you could afford the absences, I would say let's skip class and chill and drink coffee, but my beloved Brady already spared your balls once and I doubt she would do it again. I lovezorzz you anyways.

I talked to basically all of my teachers today about whether or not they thought I could make it as an English Teacher. Note the badass use of caps despite my faulty sense of propriety. I want to teach so bad right now, maybe after I go for my degree in creative writing. I want to be like all of my favorite teachers mixed together. I want to inspire and save lives, I want to lecture and bitch because I care, I want to help those who need it, I want to nurture those who let me, I want to be no-nonsense and still be able to laugh about life, I want to have heartfelt discussions about how life is really going or what's happening in other classes, and more than anything I just want to be a hero to those who need one. I've been rescued so many times by teachers who cared enough to just listen or hug, encourage or scold, really agree or disagree. People who generally took an interest in my well-being and treated me like an adopted daughter. I think writing and teaching could very well be my main passions in life.

Sidenote: I want to be vegan again, but I get the feeling that it would just turn out very badbadbad.