I'm collecting bits and bats, secret occasions and occurences, simply attempting to change who I am. I say "simply" because it's the only thing I do well. I just want to be different, not unique but different than I am now. I need to practice being different because I can't be the same. It's too nerve-wracking, too scary.

Yesterday, my therapist basically said that she can't see me anymore if I dedicate myself to my eating disorders. Therefore, I am considering yesterday our last session together. Maybe it has a brightside, as in it will save my mother money. Maybe all of this will save my mother enough money that I don't need to get a summer job. That would be nice, because I am absolutely dreading working. I'm not pretty enough, not nice enough, not extroverted enough. I'm not normal enough to get a job, and people know it. People notice the moment they meet me. I'm too self-defined to unjudged by societal standards, rather judged by my personal rules and regulations. Doesn't anyone get what I'm saying? I don't belong, I don't belong and it's killing me to pretend that I do. How long can I pretend to be alright? Because it's killing me. I just want to be normal and happy. That's a lie, actually, because I just want to be thin. What does it matter though, because no matter how much weight I lose it will never be enough. I don't care, though, because I have to at least try and if I fail, whatever. If I succeed, whatever. I at least need to try. I deserve only to try.

Day 1 of my fast. Yesterday I ate: gardenburger on a bun, and thai food, then purged. It kills me to be like this, but I have to lose this weight. Absolutely have to. Maybe fasting for a while will give me back the control that I've lost. I just want to be happy and skinny. Is that too much to ask? At the same time, when I go to college, I don't want to trigger anyone's issues. Kelly did point that out, that if I'm struggling, I might trigger others who are struggling as well. That blows, but it's probably the truth. Still, I want to try and fix myself. Starving has to be able to fix my problems, right? It's a requirement for my ultimate dedication and control. I have to, I have to. What else am I supposed to do? I know it hurts sometimes, but it has got to get better, because it's hurting me now.

Sidenote, Rebecca MP is going to visit soon, and she might come see me in Newlin's class. I know I'm not allowed to leave, but still. We might go get coffee after class, which would be fun. Maybe she'll say something complimentary and I'll be happy for a little while. Seeing her will probably make me happy anyways. I miss Kelsey and Alex, I miss my besties and everything. I just want everyone to be happy, even f it makes me unhappy, because it's not fair for me to be selfish. I don't deserve anything more than contentment. I deserve punishment, and I will atone for the things I have done. After the Jacobian-car incident, I cut. After lying, I cut. After being suspended, I starved. Now, I'll starve some more.

bodily transcendentalism! an ode

I have worshipped at an alter of alternative religion
repeating the creed in mumbles under my breath
pulled taught the skin around my wrists and
whispered lies just to sink into and away to sleep

So your name is always the first one to my lips
I spill blood like blessing until it ceases to fall
like flower dripping venom nectar and dying in it
I am torn between loving and hating my creation

you are there to save me from this leaden anchor
whose toxicity is proven in rhythms of pulsing
as if counting in 3s and 9s could salvage me

please come and rescue me from my shell!

Life is fucking ridiculous. I mean, come on! These restrictions at school are fucking stupid and I can't believe Dr. Harris actually agrees with the fact that I need to be on such heavy probation. Whatever, at least he said that eventually I might be able to get off of probation. That's what really matters. right? Hey, only thirty more minutes aynways, not like I have to be here forever, and I hear that we're not going to be doing anything serious in CW today, which will be a nice change from all of the shit I have to catch up on in my other classes. Guitar was especially embarassing yesterday, considering that I could barely play the piece that Lui placed before my eyes. I suck quite badly right now, but I can get better. I know I can. At least I missed the concert. I'm worried about all of this restriction at school. It's really messing up my mindset for, well, everything! I don't know what the fuck to do about all of this shit. I mean, what am I supposed to ddo? Kelly (my therapist) told me that this is a good chance for me to live within my boundaries, but I hate to be held in the confines of actual boundaries. For the most part, I keep myself within certain boundaries and then run wild outside of those. I know that system is a deadsetting for self-destruction, but still! On the bright side, going to uni might help me lose weight. As long as I still go the gym at least four times a week, I can live off of fruits and veggies and protein. God this is an awful idea. Haha, Alex is wandering around. Apparently she asked Dr. Harris about my in-school-restrictions. It almost sounds as nice as in-school-suspension, doesn't it? Ha, maybe not.

Haha, son of a bitch! I'm apparently not even allowed to leave class to talk to Dr. Harris. What. The. Fuck. Such a big bummer about that. On the bright side, only thirty more minutes until I leave to go to therapy. Can I honestly type for thirty minutes? Is it possible? I should have brought my gameboy or something. But I didn't and now I'm stuck here without anything to really do. AND I'm missing creative writing, which suckssuckssucks, especially since Newlin said she had something to give me. That's completely ridiculous. Why is everything so complicated? I don't know what the hell to do other than just keep typing, which is madness in itself. I'm pretty sure that if I just keep writing I will lose my mind. Maybe I will read a book or write in my actual journal. Maybe I will write poetry. Maybe I will go crazy.

I'm worried about whether or not I can really lose this weight without going overboard. I don't think losing twenty pounds is too bad. Even though when I say it it sounds quite stupid. Twenty is a lot, isn't it? I don't believe that "Isn't" should be an actual contraction. It's stupid, because it doesn't actually sound like it's a real structurally sound thing to say. "Is not it?" What the fuck! That's so stupid. Anyways! Weight. I'm losing my mind about this whole diet and weight thing. My summer meal plan is pretty easy to stick to, I mean, it's the same thing day after day. BUT! I'm prone to lashing and acting out from boredom, so I need to watch for that.

Should I be worried that I'm sprinting back to this with open arms? I'm really kind of losing my mind about this. Hey, only twenty more minutes before I leave. I'm probably going to leave in fifteen minutes anyways.

So, inschoolprobation looks like this:
-no unsupervised restroom breaks
-no more than five minutes to get to class
-no leaving class at all
-no leaving campus during lunch

how fucking idiotic is that?

This is madness. First day back, another fifty minutes or so to go. WHAT A BUMMER. Ohmeohmy, I just asked Taylor if I can go to the restroom, and he said he would have to call Tally to take me. What. The. Fuck! I'm just going to keep writing. It's not a huge deal, but come on! I need to pee! This is fucking ridiculous. I am going to lose my mind as this rate. But maybe Lui will trust me? Maybe? Please trust me. I hope that I can escape this wicked fate I have cast down upon my self. Apparently we're supposed to have a meeting as well, or at least that's what Harris said. It's amazing that I'm actually focusing on this at the moment. Only thirty more minutes! At which point I will need to free my bladder from the confines of liquidity.

Being an orthorectic is madness. I am just looking to control so much of my life. Speaking of which, I had a long-ass talk with my aunt and uncle last night about the consequences of my purging. If I purge in my room ever again and they find out, I will be moved back to my mother's house. Which would be detrimental as hell. I'm back on my summer meal plan, a.k.a. the beast diet. I've actually started another blog concerning only my dance with orthorexia. I've been going to the gym almost every day and trying to eat properly. It's just really hard for me to shake these old habits. The only thing I'm really going to allow myself is sugarfree gum, which I'm both afraid of and addicted to. Thank goodness I'm going to therapy today at three o'clock. I don't know what is going to happen during lunch, especially if they're holding onto not allowing me to go to the restroom by myself. Sweet! Only like twenty more minutes! This is fucking awful. I just want to leave leave leave. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. GO to therapy and GO home, maybe GO to the gym. I FUCKING HATE THIS ALREADY. ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKLL!!! haha, I'm ridiculous, and I really have to pee. Really badly. MY BLADDER--SHE WEEPS!

Why is this so difficult? I'm going to fail this class, & I don't care I don't care I don't care.

If I pass the other three, does it really matter?

I'm going to go to UNCA either way!

there are some sounds I absolutely cannot do without.

i want a band composed of sitar, banjo, orchestra, and accordion... plus eastern percussion.

for graduation, I want a banjo and a sitar. SOMEONE GIVE ME THE MONEY. as in, happy birthday mia, i robbed a small and rural bank for you.

I love you more than I can possibly to describe, but oh what to say!

I got suspended a few weeks ago, after getting caught with a knife, vicodin, xanex, and three packs of cigarettes in my purse. I only got caught because I bled on the VP's chair and was so fucking numb that I just told the truth. Only suspended for 10 days, so no huge deal. I went to therapy the next day, threatened to kill myself, and was hospitalized at approximately 10:30 that night. While there, I started purging after nearly all of my meals. I was in there for around five days, which was far too long to be in such a shitty place. After that, I had to spend the days with my mother while I was under my quasi house-arrest. I've now visited Asheville twice, and it's a big yes in my book. My family is worried because I made it known that I am committed to losing more weight, and they don't know if they can feel comfortable sending me two hours out of their reach. I do have a roommate in mind, a sweet girl whom I have much in common with. I'm also going to apply for the honors program, and I do hope I get in because I am pretty stoked.

I AM:
getting this work done before I go back to school, graduating, going to UNCA, teaching, traveling, WRITING.





i miss you lot.

3rd block, skipping out on a presentation by Kenneth and Haylee and someone else. I just cut my arm multiple times, and I don't know why. I wish she would notice me. This is bizarre.