I'm collecting bits and bats, secret occasions and occurences, simply attempting to change who I am. I say "simply" because it's the only thing I do well. I just want to be different, not unique but different than I am now. I need to practice being different because I can't be the same. It's too nerve-wracking, too scary.

Yesterday, my therapist basically said that she can't see me anymore if I dedicate myself to my eating disorders. Therefore, I am considering yesterday our last session together. Maybe it has a brightside, as in it will save my mother money. Maybe all of this will save my mother enough money that I don't need to get a summer job. That would be nice, because I am absolutely dreading working. I'm not pretty enough, not nice enough, not extroverted enough. I'm not normal enough to get a job, and people know it. People notice the moment they meet me. I'm too self-defined to unjudged by societal standards, rather judged by my personal rules and regulations. Doesn't anyone get what I'm saying? I don't belong, I don't belong and it's killing me to pretend that I do. How long can I pretend to be alright? Because it's killing me. I just want to be normal and happy. That's a lie, actually, because I just want to be thin. What does it matter though, because no matter how much weight I lose it will never be enough. I don't care, though, because I have to at least try and if I fail, whatever. If I succeed, whatever. I at least need to try. I deserve only to try.

Day 1 of my fast. Yesterday I ate: gardenburger on a bun, and thai food, then purged. It kills me to be like this, but I have to lose this weight. Absolutely have to. Maybe fasting for a while will give me back the control that I've lost. I just want to be happy and skinny. Is that too much to ask? At the same time, when I go to college, I don't want to trigger anyone's issues. Kelly did point that out, that if I'm struggling, I might trigger others who are struggling as well. That blows, but it's probably the truth. Still, I want to try and fix myself. Starving has to be able to fix my problems, right? It's a requirement for my ultimate dedication and control. I have to, I have to. What else am I supposed to do? I know it hurts sometimes, but it has got to get better, because it's hurting me now.

Sidenote, Rebecca MP is going to visit soon, and she might come see me in Newlin's class. I know I'm not allowed to leave, but still. We might go get coffee after class, which would be fun. Maybe she'll say something complimentary and I'll be happy for a little while. Seeing her will probably make me happy anyways. I miss Kelsey and Alex, I miss my besties and everything. I just want everyone to be happy, even f it makes me unhappy, because it's not fair for me to be selfish. I don't deserve anything more than contentment. I deserve punishment, and I will atone for the things I have done. After the Jacobian-car incident, I cut. After lying, I cut. After being suspended, I starved. Now, I'll starve some more.