I didn't really go to my Education class today. By saying "really," I mean I went and stayed for five minutes before I lied by telling my professor that I had a phone session with my old therapist and I didn't want to disrupt the other students' presentations by being in class when she called me, then left. Whatever, I know what I need to do to pass that class anyways. I went to the writing center instead and left the story I wrote yesterday along with a little note explaining to my professor that I'm hoping he will accept it instead of a revision of my workshop piece. For the most part, I just don't think I could get back into the manic mindset to properly revise that piece. It is/was a pretty crazy story. I also emailed the story to my professor.

I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, even though I was feeling pretty groggy and exhausted earlier. I took two ritalin a little while ago, read to a friend the story I wrote yesterday. She said she liked it but wished the main character had done something differently, which is alright because that was kind of the point of the story and it's understandable to wish that when things don't turn out the way you had hoped they would. But, as I was reading the story to her, I realized that there were a few typos concerning tenses, which is a bummer considering that I wrote it as a final draft. Hey, they're typos and I wrote the story in a matter of hours, so no big deal. It's not due until next week or so anyways. My writing may be one of the only things in my life I'm truly proud of, but there's really no need to be a perfectionist.

The main thing I am worried about right now is all of the work I have to do from now until exams in order to pass my classes, especially Language. Other than that, there's the fact that I'm falling back into substance abuse, one of my closest friends (despite the fact that we rarely hang out other than before or after class) may run away with her ex-ex-boyfriend, a lot of my friends have either left or are leaving, I may be on academic probation next semester and unable to take all of the classes I want, I have agreed to work for my grandfather over winter break even though I loathe working there, and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm going to do with my life other than creative writing. What do I want to do? Fix my life so I never have to: do work other than creating my art, take classes that aren't interesting to me, worry about basically everything, hurt myself, and get hurt by those I care about. I know I don't have to do some of those things, but it's fucking hard to cope with reality. No one is perfect.

After I finish writing this, I need to run down to my room and call my mother, then get started on that almost-five page draft on "literacy" that's due tomorrow in Language, then do whatever else I can manage before I have to pop another ritalin. SO MUCH WORK. SOOOOO. MUUUUUUCH. WOOOOOORRRRRK.

I hope I can still eat with all of this shit in my system because I'm not enjoying this feeling of stomach acid eroding my stomach.

Would anyone like for me to post the story I wrote yesterday on this blog or facebook, or upload it to a website so you can download and read it? I don't really need feedback, but I'm always open to it. I think it's actually pretty good (or as good as I can find my own writing), even if it's somewhat different than my regular style. It's mostly an exploration of my idea of "parallel portraits" as well as an exercise in developing this character I've been working on lately. She's basically the new form of Good Ol' Miss Monstrosity. I know some of you might remember her.

I haven't actually written anything (including poetry) in my black journal for a pretty long time. It's been even longer since I actually journaled anywhere other than this blog. My journal lasted about six strong months, I think, and I still have it around. I don't want it to fall by the wayside, but I just don't write as much poetry lately unless it's on my computer or in my notebook, and I mostly journal here because it's so much easier. Plus, I can post pictures here, and who doesn't love seeing my gorgeous face?

Now,
MUST CALL MOTHER. MUST DO WORK.