How could I allow myself to let people with so little value in my own life make me feel worthless? I don't know them, and therefore their presence in my life is minimal and insubstantial. These connections I feel are probably a mixture of pheromones and a desperation to repair my own loneliness. A need to be fulfilled by others who seem so carefree, and yet so inexplicably incomplete. As if I could even begin to complete them. I feel this need to satisfy others, and when I cannot or they are not interested in allowing me to complement them, then I feel completely and utterly inadequate. I feel that the parts of my whole will never sum up to be good enough. I feel like I am not beautiful, smart, mature, funny, and et cetera enough. But, I care. I really truly do, and I'm afraid that this is going to keep happening. I don't like to think that my life is going to be led along by me trying to devote myself solely to other people. I want to be comfortable enough with my own identity that I don't compromise my own expression. It would be entirely pointless to expect someone to enjoy me for who I am when I am unable to convey myself.

As it is, I wrote today for the first time in quite a while. I also drank fifteen shots of straight vodka, which apparently just doesn't hit me like it used to, considering that I also took a xanax. I cried for quite a while about things that really won't matter in the long run, such as guys. After all, why should I waste my energy wanting what I can't have when it's really their loss to begin with?

I don't want to start drinking beer again and doing all of the stupid things I was doing before. I'm probably going to buy 750mL of Ketel One and that should tie me over for a bit. But holy shit, if I keep drinking this much vodka as often as I am now, plus the price of cigarettes (even in a carton), that is over fifty dollars for about two weeks. I can't do that, right? That's like two-hundred dollars a month, plus all of my other expenses. So, I either need to smoke or drink less. I think I could honestly do both. I don't know how I manage to smoke a pack a day. That doesn't even compute with me. I need to work out a game-plan for cutting that number in half. I want to be able to drink just a few shots a day and smoke just a few cigarettes. I just feel like I need to set up rules.

ideas for cutting back on smoking:
-first cigarette after breakfast
-one cigarette after each meal
-one cigarette to and from class
-one cigarette break per hour

I'm really hoping a smoother vodka will allow me to stay inebriated longer because I won't have to chase it. Doubtful, but hopeful.