i made a mistake. i am an alcoholic and alcohol is my gateway drug. i drank a forty last night, which was fine except for the fact that i was drinking to escape the situation with heather. i wasn't super drunk and i was going to spend the night at a friend's house, but as i was about to fall asleep i saw a bottle of pills. a bottle of dexedrine, and i was foolish enough to take two. i stole two of the pills, snorting half of one and ingesting the rest. i couldn't fall asleep, and so i started to drive home. as i was about to hit the interstate i realized that i had just fucked my ability to test clean on a drug screening, which is necessary for the job i may be getting. i just checked a few web sites and it could test positive up to five days afterward, which probably won't apply in my case because this is the first time i've done a stimulant in ages, but still. that's five days of unrest in case i get called for another interview, and i'm hoping i do. the only thing i can do now is drink lots of water and coffee to keep the cycle going, eat plenty of fiber, and do lots of cardio. i am so disappointed in myself.

but, there's a bright side. when i got back to winston around six, i drove around while listening to music (the indigo girls) and it occurred to me that the aa meeting at unity started soon. i went, and the topic was "doing the next right thing," with a side of discussion of financial troubles. perfect. i listened intently (still a little wired, but also interested) and spoke up very last. i admitted that while i had picked up a white chip last night, i would need to do so again this morning. i told them the truth--the truth that matters and not the easy truth like i'm prone to tell. i told them that i can't afford to run the risk of relapse anymore. i haven't hit bottom lately, but i've hit something and i'm glad i hit it running with enough force to bounce back. i'm relieved almost to know that i'm an alcoholic/addict now. i don't have to worry about all the what if's and other possibilities. i don't have to flip between being ok or not with drinking. i have a problem. drinking is not a viable option for me. i'm bipolar so it fucks with my moods. i'm eating disordered so it fucks with my eating. i'm underage so it's illegal. i'm an addict so it's a stepping stone. it might be ok for my friends, but i have to accept the fact that while we are all god's children, we are not created to be exactly the same. equal, yes, but not identical. i have a problem with drinking and drugs whereas other people might have a problem with... i dunno... other things. it happens.

i took a white chip when the chips were awarded and got three numbers after the meeting, one of which is MY NEW SPONSOR. we talked for thirty minutes. after i told her that i have other issues with "y'know eating and stuff" and asked if i could call her when i'm feeling tempted to act out on those behaviors, she told me she was also anorexic/bulimic and in recovery. she struggled with coke, and even got in a car wreck while on xanax like i did. she actually hit another car, but still. and she's bipolar! i think i might be her first sponsee, but we agreed that it was really uncanny and god's work that we met, etc. she doesn't have an intimidating amount of sobriety, so this is a good fit. she told me to try to eat something, drink some water, and try getting some rest. i'm going to meet her at another aa group tonight after treatment. even though i fucked up, i feel really good about the future, even though i know i have to deal with consequences of my actions. i can just move through them and past them, learn from them but don't repeat them. i can let go without losing control.

there's always a chance to do the next right thing.