what i have to look forward to:

-friends
-family
-pets
-a fresh life in an old city
-returning to school
-turning twenty
-getting my writing published
-finding a career that fits me
-developing
-being stable
-being clean & sober
-finding new ways to have fun
-pride in myself
-a content life
-thrift shopping
-learning how to use my camera
-catnaps with the curtains drawn
-layering for fall and winter
-new tattoos and piercings
-being someone's role model
-setting a good example
-motherhood?
-finding a life partner
-knowing that I am just enough
-feeling worthy of the world
-driving with the windows down
-driving with the bass cranked
-grabbing coffee
-looking cute


I am fierce. I am a complex beast. I'm feral, wonky, silly, beautiful, extreme, contradictory, gentle, surrealist, comical, absurd, intelligent, vulgar, crude, intellectual, eloquent, elegant, edgy, dark, brooding, sarcastic, irritable, bright, cheery, and so much more. God, the list lasts forever, and I will spend my lifetime discovering new sides of myself. Could I ask for anything more interesting? Even if I only make tiny discoveries every day, that is a task I would like to set myself to. I will learn to love what I find in myself each and every day.

I thank God for the person I am today and tomorrow.

After all: create, change, destroy. Perhaps we become existence as we know it when time fades. All we have is slipping away. Cherish the non-belongings. Love what is within and surrounding, because it too will disappear one day. I've lost no less and no more in the end. I've lost myself, and I will find myself someday. It is as it is to be.

EDIT: i want so much out of life, but nothing more than i know it has to offer. here i am, having used up the last of the painkillers given to me in the ER, talking about potential... but no matter how hypocritical this seems, it's true. tomorrow is a new day. i don't know how many times i've told myself that. innumerable times. but, the hope is still there, and i have what i need to move forward. tomorrow morning i will go to AA, or NA, and i will begin again. there are so many beginnings that i've missed out on. why not start saving myself? surrender these pains to God, and allow myself to be filled with blessings, of which i know many. i have hope. beyond that, i have love. to me, the meaning of life is love. love for that which is within and around you... maybe somewhere further and in between. love likes to hide beyond the curtain of stars and in the crawlspace of abandoned houses. this is where i find joy, and in joy there is love as well. i imagine what i cannot see. the constellations and satellites, the edgy world that exists just close enough to raise the hair on my arms. God... you've given me what i need, and it is my choice to use these tools for better instead of worse.

tomorrow will be composed of AA/NA, treatment, healthy meals/snacks, making soup and seitan for group, journaling, and hanging out with Heather. maybe even talking to her about going out sometime for coffee, etc. mostly, tomorrow will be composed of honesty.