my tummy hurts so bad. i think it's either excess air or i drank to much coffee or just a stomachache or cramps. i dunno. those are a bunch of explanations, actually. i went to another aa meeting today. i got like three numbers just after the meeting.

now i've changed outfits for the bazillionth time today. it's currently dark skinny jeans, black ruffly heels, and a pink cropped jacket with black trim. i think i look pretty cute. i've done my makeup, a.k.a. put on mascara, foundation, and lipgloss. i'm wearing my new contacts. my hair is growing back quite rapidly. i dunno. just... feeling good, other than the tummy ache. mehhhh. it feels a little better now that i've had more than just breakfast and coffee. i only had half a serving of tempeh and a small apple, but that is better than nothing and i'm glad as hell. my binging has been halfhearted as of late, which is a neutral sign of a)eating better, and b)my emotional turmoil. ewww. i can see my pulse in my stomach right now. grossy gross. only a little less than an hour before I head over to treatment... Woo.

I'm so bored lately. Bored bored bored. It's all I can do not to lose my mind and go party party party in Greensboro. I'm worried that I'll never get over substance abuse. I just... I want to be magically cured of addictive defects so that i may use my substances freely and without consequence.

GAHHHHH. so much free time. D:

EDIT:
i want to be numb. numb and pure, free from emotions and feelings.... just clean and strong. short, brutal words for complex people. i am a feral beast with no emotions, only instincts, and my survival is my only concern. fuck everything. fuck me and fuck you. this isn't anger; this is rage. my fire burns holes in my mind. no fear, no regrets.