My eating disorder of choice is looking very, very tempting right now. Actually scratch that, because it's all I want. I'm going to do it, I know I am. I've been teetering on the edge, but this is where I take the plunge. Cue perfection, cue purity, cue solidity. I know how the transition works, I've taken it before. I'm just going to start purging all of the impure foods until I'm golden. Everyone already knows I'm bulimic, that I've been anorexic, so orthorexia will just look like recovery to everyone except my mother. I tried calling my nutritionist again, but she didn't answer, which seems to mean that I'm on my own. I told my substance abuse therapist today that there is really no point in me going if I'm not going to even try to change my behavior. As long as I'm not snorting pills and coke or taking painkillers... I'm fine. I really am. I can handle drinking. Hell, with orthorexia by my side, I'll probably quit drinking, maybe even quit smoking. I won't use sweeteners, I'll go back to my rule about sugars, and I will go back to my meal plan. The work outs will get better. No more of this weakness. No more of this frailty. I know better. Purity calls my name incessantly. I will lose weight. I will stop this bullshit. I will become bone and muscle once more. I will be strong and fierce and brutal.

I'm going to plan this perfectly. Properly. Efficiently.

(why me?)