GAHHHHHHHHH. DO WANT! PLEASE FOR TO HAVE KITTY!

I really, really want this kitten. I mean, shit... her name is PANCAKE and she has a huge head. It doesn't get any better than that.

Today I went to my joint therapy session with the current and the new therapist. I'm going to miss my current therapist, but the new one seems pretty bright. I didn't know how to tell her that unless I get a good vibe almost immediately then I probably won't trust her enough to focus on the issues and I'll probably lead her on a verbal wild goose chase every time I'm uncomfortable. I was surprised we didn't just cover my history, but I'm thankful as well. They had the same idea for the most part: I need to chill the fuck out and make a realistic plan that will lead me to my goals. Baby steps and such so I don't get overwhelmed like I normally do. Take my medication as routinely as possible. Journal and write and basically utilize my creativity as an outlet of expression. Maybe try a little meditation. And although that last one sounds horrid, I may try some breathing and mindfulness techniques. Golly gee, I may even go for a walk.

GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:
-clean room and den
-fold some laundry
-relaxation exercises
-journal
-sobriety
-art
-interview (Tuesday @ 8:15)

GOALS FOR WHENEVER:
-buy writing prompt book
-move back into apartment
-get a kitten
-go vegan
-get car

OVERALL GOALS:
-get a job
-keep apartment clean
-take medication
-develop routine



p.s. i feel like i'm being used.

wrapped in pale paisley drapes,
I asked you your name.
"fairweather" isn't the name
of a lover.
it's the name of a confidante
who knows no loyalty.
you painted your lips with
crushed porcelain,
dust drying your mouth and
sticking between your teeth.
standing guard in my bedroom,
you knelt before my vanity and
drove the needle home.

I've missed you, baby. All the crackles of static magic snapping, popping in the air around us, lifting the hair from your skin. Unrest flutters at your throat in place of beats erratic.

I don't care enough to keep you. I don't know enough to leave you.

way to go, scab-stache.

"Please."

I left feeling anything but happy, anything but cheery and smiley. I left feeling alone and scared of that truth--born alone, die alone. I imagined that life was going to be beautiful with beaded doorways and tapestried windows. I imagined that I would love to be alone. After all of it, finally alone. But, I am scared because at the end of it all, I am the only one I can rely on, and there is no one in the world that I trust less. I wonder sometimes if I love people because I cannot love myself, or if I cannot love myself because I love people. One can only be devoted in so many ways, to so many people, to so many lengths. I can only be stretched so far with nothing but two arms. I like to believe that I am happier... and maybe I am. I don't scream at myself, I don't burst into tears, I don't hurt like I used to. I just feel uneasy. Maybe that's an understatement, but I want to feel as if everything is right in the world and my many-faced God will carry me through. I know doubtlessly and I love endlessly, but everything comes in degrees. So many directions with immeasurable potential floating somewhere in undiscovered planes. Only a God with many fingers could point us in the right direction, knowing that whatever road you take is the one you should take. Still I feel that "should" is a dirty word. Everything is as it's meant to be. Created to be perfect with flaws that are not flaws. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt again like I've been hurt, but it's worthless. I am so much better than I used to be.

I have not always loved you as sweetly, kindly, and doubtlessly as I do now. I have no remorse for the years of which there are so many, those years in which I did not know you as I now do. But, I have taken words from your mouth and whispers from your skin. I have taken soft horse-hair brushes and painted the flush on your cheek with pale tea roses, softer than any silk. I have wrapped your neck in foxes, like a halo of renewal, like a crown of destruction. You have been my bride and I have felt for you.

no one is awake but us.