"and i get down on my knees
and i pray the same as you"
-Amy Ray, Let it Ring

sometimes i feel beautiful. i look in the mirror and i think that this is really what all the fuss is about, because it's true--i'm beautiful. i have such dramatic features, such a fierce and delicate composure of plush lips and sharp teeth. i look in the mirror and i flex and i turn to the side and i turn around to look at my butt and i stretch my legs out and i flex some more. i turn my face in every direction, and i really do think i'm beautiful. i make faces at myself, and even the snarls are beautiful. even the imperfections are endearing, and i think that seeking mates must be more than just seeking symmetry. sometimes, these things are what keep me going. other times, it's the desire to see these things, to know that i am strong and perfect and the best i can be, but when i can just look at myself, just run my hands over my body and feel my skin, those are the times when i am happy. sometimes i am just happy to be in my body, to be my self. i am not a brain, and i am not a body, and i am not my mind. i am a composition of all of these things mixed together, feeling and chemistry mixed together in a way that makes me tick tick tick through life. sometimes i accept life for what it throws my way, and for being beautiful despite (or because of) the fact that it can be so gruesome. it is intense. but, i have the chance to love myself, and i promise for my own sake that i will grasp that love in my hands as tightly as possible. i will squeeze every drop of love from life, and i will go past the present and into the future, knowing that i have done the best that i know.

voltaire spoke truly when he said,
"we're neither pure; nor wise; nor good;
we do the best we know."

i have chosen recovery, as voluntarily as i can choose to sacrifice such a leeching part of myself. i have chosen hope and happiness and health. i have chosen to love myself, to support myself and accept the support of others. i have chosen strength and pride.

i know i can do this because i believe in myself. i am dedicating myself, i am devoted to myself, and i am doing the best i know.