I am so wide-eyed in fear of my own life right now. I feel like I have completely lost control of myself and everything around me. I'm sitting here at midnight, after having not slept in what is now around forty-eight hours (I don't feel like remembering), shaking uncontrollably and breathing in a way that I can't make myself believe is regular. I feel very unstable and very unsafe, and I think I currently pose as a danger to myself and those who care about me. This is not fine. I don't know how I thought this would fix things, because now I am actually worried that I may have dug my grave a little (if not a lot) deeper by not facing my problems head-on. I don't know why I thought delaying reality would make this any easier. If anything, now I have to deal with the original problem and the problems I caused by my reaction. I wanted to avoid caring for however long I could, but I didn't even manage to escape for a little while. The thoughts just raced a little faster and circled a little closer. The feelings were dimmed, but even then they were powerful, and I feared then just as I fear now how intense everything will end up being when I can't avoid it any longer. I am frantically trying to solve what is going wrong, but there is this constant droning in the back of my mind that reminds me that I am no longer in control of the situation. I gave up control when I made those commitments, the ones that now hold me to the goals of remaining friendly and loving. I gave up control when I offered my unconditional devotion, because even though I didn't name it, that's what it was. I will do everything in my power to make things right. I didn't think that expressing all of this hurt would have helped at the time, but now I can't even speak my mind with any purpose. No one is listening.