Red Mike,

did I ever really know you? Better or even as well as the rest of us? We who are the early morning miscreants and late night vagabonds, traveling from one state of mind to the next... we will miss you. You, the safe words and kind looks that got me through quite a few nights. That feeling of having someone who has known you longer than you have been alive. When you told me that you saw through me, past the smile that so rarely reaches my eyes, I thought that you would always be there. The rough hug that left me smelling of your cologne even as the night faded to morning and so on. These are the things I will remember you for. The fact that you let me start a tab and knew that I would come back to pay you whatever I owed. Sometimes you said no, to just take it and forget about it. Because you were my friend. You told me you had been thinking about me--missing me. But, I couldn't stay in that purgatory that was all I had ever known as a real home, when it was just that. All I had ever known. I went to you, looking for something that would let me be numb to how fucked-up life could be, but what you gave me was different. Such an unconditional friendship, telling me that if I ever needed anything, just to swing by and you would do anything for me. No questions asked, no explanations needed, no apologies warranted. I don't think I have ever met someone so ruthlessly gracious, unconditionally careful. How often did we say we loved one another? And, somehow, we meant it. You told me that if things had been different, we might have been for each other. But, I was too young and you were too crazy. I like to think that we were both just too fucked-up. I'll admit it, you made mistakes. You weren't the most forthright of people when it came to proper business, but you loved. You loved us, and that was taken away from you. I don't want to think of you as how you were under all of that stress... taking care of so many families, so many children, even if they didn't belong to you by blood. I know you took me under your wing. I spent so many hours behind your counter, smoking your cigarettes and listening to your music. Now, what will happen? I feel awful, but not for myself. You gave me what you needed to. But what about the lives you were forced out of? How will they go on? I have to think that your presence will linger forever onwards. You were too great a person to disappear entirely. Everyone should take notice: bad shit happens to good people. You weren't perfect, I know. I will be one of the first to say that when everyone is throwing a pity party for you. You seriously screwed-up a good number of things for yourself. But, underneath all of that, I know you. You don't want me to dwell, to wallow in this despair. You were good, and I just wish that everyone else can carry on well enough without you. I can barely imagine what it will be like. No more swinging by at odd intervals when I visit, no more catching up on what has happened since I last saw you. No more calling my station wagon a ball-crusher, no more calling me Meow Meow, no more free cigarettes when I really need them, no more telling me to fix myself up so I'll get a nice guy or girl. You will be missed, I'm sure of it, but I know in my heart that you would want us to keep living the good life.

-Your Meow Meow